January Jokes & Jumble

[yamaha_george]

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,


"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

[yamaha_george]

What a retired husband does

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
WallyWorld. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local WallyWorld:

Dear Mrs. Taylor,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Taylor, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, ' Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

/And last, but certainly not least:
/
15. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

[chefen2006]

^^ I must try some of that I hate food shoping, this might make it interisting again.

[_Will_]

been trying my hand at "real" painting as opposed to rattle canning the bike. A work in progress but I'm liking it. It's almost therapeutic or at least it is until you have to do touch up work.

[rotortech]

been trying my hand at "real" painting as opposed to rattle canning the bike. A work in progress but I'm liking it. It's almost therapeutic or at least it is until you have to do touch up work.

Gee Will, don't be so hard on yourself. Your painting skills are probably not really much of a joke.

[Freestyle72]

A young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old
canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from
copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,
pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the
first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the
subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies
for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .

So, the young monk gets worried and goesdown to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the R !
We missed the R !
We missed the R !'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...

'CELEBRATE !!! '

[_Will_]

been trying my hand at "real" painting as opposed to rattle canning the bike. A work in progress but I'm liking it. It's almost therapeutic or at least it is until you have to do touch up work.

Gee Will, don't be so hard on yourself. Your painting skills are probably not really much of a joke.

not at all, I'm learning and trying to do a decent job of it. Getting some prep work in. May even bother to get some decals afterwards. Still not sure if I want to paint the rims or strip them. The front is the original yellow and it's in bad shape. Doesn't work with the color scheme anyway

[DonTZ125]

Watched 'Hancock' the other day - pretty funny. I will NEVER be able to hear the theme from "Sanford and Son" ever again without wincing and snickering...

[Yamster]

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,


"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

[yamaha_george]

Subject: Bad news travels slowly...






At dawn the telephone rings:



  "Hello, Senor Joe ?

  Here is Ernesto the caretaker at your Spanish house."



  "Ah yes, Ernesto.

  What can I do for you?  Is there a problem?"



  "Um........, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Joe, that your parrot died.



  "My parrot? Dead?

  The one that won the International competition?"



  "Si Senor, that's the one."



  "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.

  What did he die from?"



  "From eating rotten meat, Senor Joe"



  "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"



  "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."



  "Dead horse? What dead horse?"



  "The thoroughbred, Senor Joe."



  "My prize thoroughbred horse is dead?"



  "Si Senor Joe, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."



  "Are you insane? What water cart?"



  "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"



  "Good God! What fire are you talking about, man?"



  "The one at your house, Senor!

  A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire"



  "What the hell??.... Are you saying that my

  mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!



  "Si Senor Joe."



  "But there's electricity at the house!!!

  What was the candle for?"



  "For the funeral, Senor Joe."



  "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"



  "Your wife's, Senor Joe... She showed up one

  night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief,

  so I hit her with your new "Tiger Woods"  driver."



SILENCE...................

LONG SILENCE........................................



"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh*t!".

[taggy]

A forum member decides to go on holiday.
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum
of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor
made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?"

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
.
.
.
.
.
.


"You've built a motorcycle work shop with machining facilities and spray booth"

[yamaha_george]

Wonderful

[Yamster]

Yeah,i like that one